If I had a shot gun...

Everything is going well. I've moved to Lakeland Florida for the time being to be with my hubby. It was just too hard on the family. We were getting behind on bills and he wasn't ever home, so we got rid of the apartment, moved our stuff into my parents, then Camron and i made the trip to be with Jeremy down here in Florida. It's been quite an adventure. There were 4 other guys living here as well...I thought it'd be annoying, but they're all a lot of fun to be around, so it wasn't bad at all. They all went home for Thanksgiving so now it's just our little family in this apartment. It's now too cold to go swimming, but we were going swimming and to the hot tub just about every night...it was amazing.

Camron is getting very large! I will be coming home Dec 9th with him so he can get his shots and check up. Jeremy won't be home until Christmas, but by then Cam will already be 2 weeks behind so I don't want to wait much longer....

After 27 hours of labor, 3 of them just pushing, our little bundle of joy is finally here! Camron Michael Dickson was born July 22, 2008 at 3:58pm. He weighed 7 lbs 2.9 oz and was 18 3/4" long. He is such a little sweetheart and I'm really enjoying being a mom.

There are a lot of things I am constantly unsure of though. Like today he has a diaper rash :( He fell asleep after I fed him and then I heard him poop. I've been told not to change them while they are sleeping so I left it alone. then an hour later when he woke up his little butt was all red from sitting in it. I feel so bad!!! And he hasn't had a bath for 2 days, so I need to do that as well. I feel like I am not being a very good mother...but it's taking some time to get into the swing of things. He wakes up about ever 2-3 hours to eat, so I am not getting much sleep. I am hoping things will be getting easier. I am doing my best and I suppose that's all I can do.

Right now he is sleeping, but once he's awake it's time for a diaper change, feed, and a bath. Hopefully that will help clear up his bottom :(

Well everything turned out ok. He got $450 in fines , $250 to get his car out, and a year of probation. It sounds like he's really learned his lesson too. He's very excited about not drinking or doing any drugs anymore at all. He says that all this was just a blessing in disguise.... which is great and all, but I wish it hadn't cost so damn much!!

Ohhh well. He is home now so we are going to be preparing for our little one's arrival on Tuesday!! Jeremy should be home until the following week :)

While laying in bed I just realized that my husband may not be there for the birth of our first child... Depending on how things go, he could be in jail long enough that he won't get to see his baby for weeks after he is born... How incredibly terrible is that??

He is such a good person and a loving husband. If he can't be there for our baby's birth, I think we will both just be completely devastated. I didn't picture anyone being in that room other than him... and I don't want anyone else in that room. I want him to be there from start to finish. I want him to come bring our baby boy home with us and be there while we are adapting to our new roles as parents. I just can't imagine things going differently.

I prayed for the first time in a long time tonight that he can be there for the birth. I haven't prayed, mostly because I am agnostic and don't really know how I feel religiously/spiritually... I would do anything in the entire world to make sure that he is there on Monday and Tuesday. I NEED him to be there.

I can't sleep tonight.... It needs to be Thursday so we know what's going on. I want him home so badly...

What a course of events this week...

Sunday night my husband had to leave to go back to work, 3 hours from home. Before he left I gave him a picture of me from the wedding because I knew he didn't really have any of me and I'd been going through photo albumns all week. So he put it on his dash, covering up some gages...not thinking anything of it. His car started to act funny so he moved the picture and sure enough it was overheating! He pulled over at some creepy farm so he could walk 1 or 2 miles to the gas station to get some water to put in the car. I guess the Mexican he was on his way to go pick up had a friend go get him so he didn't end up walking the whole way.

So he's on the road again but the car keeps overheating and they have to pull over every now and then. He's at a traffic light and there's a cop in one of the other lanes, as soon as Jeremy goes through the light the cop turns around and follows him. Pulls him over for not having a front license plate, but they didn't tell him this until later. Shortly after he's pulled over, 3 more cop cars show up and they tell him they're going to search his car.... They found an empty glass bowl, some Xanax, and some Vicodin. The pills I got for him because 1. he's trying to quit smoking cigs and the Xanax helps with the anxiety of that and being away from home and 2. Vicodin for his back which is WAY fucked up. He only had a few of each and he didn't have anything in the bowl, no weed or anything. They arrest him and the Mexican pays his bail which is 1,200 (yeah Mexicans don't believe in banks apparently). They impounded his car and they go to the apartment.

Next day he gets up for work, 2 hours after all this happened, works half a day then comes home at noon to get ready for court at 2. I called around 1:30 to talk to him and his friend said he'd already left to get their early. Well it's almost 6 and I still haven't heard anything, so I text his friend to see if he's heard anything yet. Then Jeremy calls... He didn't make it to court. Nope, he wrecked his friends car on the way there. So now he's got another ticket for Failure to Yield. There were some attorneys that stopped to help him out and they called and get the court date pushed back to Thursday so he's going to go for both tickets that day...

Then they decided to go get his car yesterday after all that and they wouldn't let him get it until he goes to court. It's 180 to get it out, plus 20 bucks a day that it's there... His cellphone is in the car, our PSP, some cds, all of his whites...they wouldn't let him get anything. He had to go buy socks, deoderant, and a toothbrush because it was all in there.

I feel so bad for him. I just want to be there to give him a hug and tell him that things will be ok. I'm not supposed to drive that far and I wanted to call my dr. and see if he'd allow me to go down there since I'm not dialated at all. Jeremy told me not to come down because if anything happened to me or the baby he would go over the edge :( So I sit here and just wait to hear from him. We're back to not having communication and now he doesn't have a car...So if I were go into labor how the hell would he get here?? I hate it all. I just want it to all be over and for him to be home. If he doesn't go to jail this week for all of this, he should be home friday. Not sure how he's getting here though.... I guess we'll see

Now for the only good news...

As long as everything goes ok in court for him, (I'm hoping he'll just get probation and a bunch of fines) on Monday,  they are going to induce me. It's going to be a long process because they give me one med Monday to ripen my cervix first. Then 18 hours later I get another one that starts your contractions. So Tuesday afternoon or evening we will have our little man in our arms!! As long as everything is ok with Jeremy of course. If he's not home, I will move back the induction. I could not go through this without him... and I couldn't have his baby without him being there... The only reason that we are having this on Monday (I'm still not due until next Saturday) is because I am so uncomfortable and the doctor just offered to do it.

So that is my week. All of this happened within 12 hours... Completely ridiculous. I am just trying to deal and rest up. I think about him constantly and just hope that he's doing ok. I love him so much and this is just such a crappy series of events. I feel guilty for getting him those pills when I was only trying to help... I know we will get through this, but it's just such bad timing and depressing. I guess we will just wait and see what happens on Thursday and pray that my hubby comes home to me.

It's the little things he does that makes me feel so loved and cared for. This morning as I was waking up I got a "Good Morning beautiful, I hope you have a good day" It instantly made me smile!! It's those little tiny acts of love that make me swoon.

Lastnight while I was complaining about how large I feel and ugly, I was also told that "You having my our baby is the sexiest thing of all" And yes there was a typo. I can't decide where I like it better with him saying his baby or ours lol Either way, it was really sweet to see that and it made me feel good. I love that man so much.

He may not be home for another week or two...unless little Camron decides he wants out sooner. I kind of want him to stay in there and wait so I deliver when Jeremy is home for a week or two between jobs. But I am also getting very large and uncomfortable so having him soon would be ok with me too. Either way I know he will be here in the next 3 weeks or so :) I can't wait to meet him!

I don't know what it is about the 4th of July, but I've always loved it. Maybe it's because it's one of the few holidays that takes place in the Summer. Or maybe even for the fireworks and the BBQ's... I'm not sure, but I can't wait for it to get here.

The best part about this 4th of July is that my hubby is coming home for 4 days! I can't wait. We are going to be at his parents for 3 of those, but I don't care!

I love him so much!! ♥

It's 80 degrees out and feels like 90
I'm sweaty and feel fat
None of my clothes fit
My husband is 3 1/2 hours a way, doesn't have a working cell phone, and I won't see him for another week probably
I have to work all weekend, but my parents are going to be gone so I won't even have them to bug
I have to work in 3 hours
And I'm an emotional pregnant mess

He didn't call lastnight at all. His phone is still on the fritz so he has to ask to borrow someone's phone. I'm sure that's getting old, I'd hate to ask someone whenever I wanted to call him...but I'd still do it! The only thing I heard from him yesterday was a text message (sometimes his phone works when he is on the roof) that said "I need to go to the chiropractor." Poor guy :( So if he's in a lot of pain he may have showered and just went to bed....either way I hate no hearing from him

So last night I had the weirdest dreams. He'd decided to go to Dorset instead of coming home. I was so pissed! He drove right by our apartment and didn't stop to say hi or ask if I wanted to go...Nope, just went straight up there even though we'd be there in a week. So the whole dream I was arguing with him trying to show him how terrible that made me feel and stuff... I didn't sleep well.

It's supposed to rain all weekend so I'm hoping he will be home for more than just one day.... but I haven't heard yet. Originally he said he'd be home tonight, but then when I asked why he said because of the 4th... So I think he got his weeks mixed up. It would be so awesome though if he came home tonight... I would be one happy camper!! :)


Oh well...now I have to go to work and then to Lamaze. Fun stuff

I did buy the new Otep CD - I highly recommend it!!!!! It's probably my favorite of hers so far

Just got off the phone with my baby. This week he is working down by Cincy and I have no clue when I will be seeing him again :( I miss the hell out of him.

Tonight on the phone though we actually talked for once. It was nice. He was asking me how long I was planning on being off work when Camron's born. I told him 6 weeks and then he told me that he thought I should just travel around with him until the Winter when he is laid off. Then he said I should find a job haha. I love the idea that he wants us to be around all the time :) Sometimes I wonder if he's ready to become a family and when he says things like that, I know he does!

Then I was talking about how I'm trying to figure out when to quit working and everything. He told me he thought I should quit pretty soon and just start taking it easy. Last week I was supposed to work almost 50 hours but due to going home early about every night (pharmacies are slow in the summer) I got about 45 hours. He was talking to his boss about me I guess and when he asked him how long I'd been off work he told him that I'd just worked all that and his boss called me a trooper and said something about wishing he had a wife like me! haha I love it when Jeremy sounds proud of me

I hope I get to see him this weekend. It's supposed to storm off and on so maybe he'll get to come home. He said even if he just has one day off he'll probably come home. I miss him so much!!
 
He will be at this job for about a month. It works out really perfectly because Camron is due in just 5 weeks. So HOPEFULLY we can time it so Camron comes when Daddy is home for a week between jobs :) We are going to try to save up as much money as we can so he can take a week or so off as well even if they are working. I really can't wait for our little man to get here!!!

My baby shower is in just 2 days!! Then Jeremy's mom is having another little one up there the weekend of the 4th! I can't wait. I'm ready to get everything sterilized, washed, cleaned, organized, and ready to roll!

I LOVE MY FAMILY!!!!



I'll stop boasting now and go do something constructive :)

He's gone...working again more than 2 hours from home. I miss the hell out of him. It's amazing what you take for granted....

Lastnight I didn't even get to speak to him on the phone. He's staying with his parents so he's where all his old friends are. I tried to text message him and got no answer, so I figured I'd just leave him be. I don't like talking to him when he's really drunk or high anyways.... Then I woke up around 2 and saw he'd messaged me twice. It made me sad that I missed him and didn't get to talk to him at all. He apologized and said he missed me so much and what not.

I don't think he realizes how incredibly lonely I am when he's gone. I have no one... All my friends have either moved away, got real lives, or live too far away for an 8 month pregnant chic to drive just to hang out. It sucks... I wish I had a better support system, then maybe it wouldn't be so hard while he's gone. But he is my very best friend, so naturally life is going to suck when he's away...

I just want to go back to the way things were last summer. He worked hard and away from home, but he was home EVERY night. I really do miss that. I miss being able to roll over and hug him if I want and making him dinner. Now all I eat is crap because there's no reason to cook a big meal. I miss just going out to the park or going to the movies... I guess I just miss having him take up all of my time. I love him so much and it just sucks that now that we're married and about to have a baby, we see eachother less than we ever have.... :(

I'm ready for him to come home.

I just cried because the wedding band we planned to order online at Kays is now out of stock :( I knew I should have ordered it a few days ago........DAMMIT

I think I found another at Zales though..

Jeremy is gone and already I miss him :(
I love his smell and touch...it's a shame I don't get to experience it everyday anymore :(

This weekend we were relatively busy:

Thursday
We went to the Otep concert! Definitely awesome. I love Otep. We got there right as K-Phit was playing and Teddy congratulated Jeremy and I on the baby as soon as we walked through the door. i thought that was pretty awesome, and I think Jeremy was proud. Towards the end of the concert my back and feet hurt so bad I had to get a stool to sit and watch Otep. This pregnancy thing can be kinda rough!! It was still awesome. I think little Camron really enjoyed the show too. He was kicking and moving the whole time!

Friday
Did a MILLION loads of laundry
Then we were lazy at night and rented a couple movies and made some pizza

Saturday
Registered for Camron at Babys R US :)
Tried changing my brakes, but that didn't turn out so well
Ordered Jeremy's wedding band and got sized for mine

Sunday
Jeremy got sized for his tux
We relaxed before he had to leave


This week is going to be incredibly insane for me... I have a quiz on Tuesday for a class i didn't go to at all last week... Which is not like me :( Without Jeremy around I have been getting lazier and lazier....
I also have a 5 page paper due on Thursday of which I have barely even started to research
Saturday is my wedding shower!!

I will be very relieved when I get the paper done...until then I will probably be stressed out and probably cry a lot. At least I'm pregnant and I have an excuse now!

It's only the 2nd day that Jeremy's been gone and I miss him already. I know this new job is a blessing to us, but I really wish my best friend was here by my side like I'm used to... It's selfish I know, but is it so wrong to absolutely adore the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? To not want him far from your side??

I skipped class today... As I was walking into the building I was struggling with my jeans... Maternity jeans are really not that fashionable - at least not this pair. They are shorter than i'd like, but if I pull them down the blue stretchy band at the top can be seen peeking out from under my t-shirt. It was stressing me out as I was walking in and thinking how horribly unattractive and icky I felt... so I turned around and left. Only to come home and sit here on this damn couch and miss him more and more..

We had such an amazing weekend together and it was barely even 24 hours together. Then he was shipped back down there for the whole week. Last week he didn't go down until Wednesday but didn't come back until late Saturday. It just sucks. He is only an hour a way, if I could I'd go stay with him every now and then. Unfortunately he has to room with 3 other guys, 1 of which sleeps in the same room as him... So I'll just sit here and wait...and pray that it rains and he has to come home early this week.

This SUCKS.

Being pregnant and hormonal definitely does not help matters either...

I need more friends to hang out with and keep my mind off of him!

I just spent $77 getting on my hair!!!! (hair dye and they talked me into buying a 3 pack of products that would help my hair hold the color)

I can't help but feel extremely selfish and stupid for doing this when Jeremy and I are so tight for cash :( I just hope that his paycheck this week makes up for it and my school loan goes through soon.... Uggggh



Atleast I made it outside to go walking today for 20 minutes or more!! I already feel a little healthier. I'm sure it's all in my head, but that's ok

I have been so lazy since I've been preggerz.... I believe it's time to get in shape!

There's a lot of other things I need to get done in the next few weeks:

• Walk 20 minutes 4 times a week
• Call about my college graduation and consolidating school loans
• Call WIC
• Figure music/song list for the wedding
• Register for the baby
• Start on my research paper....ugh
• Figure out how we are going to decorate the nursery

I think that's it.... Let's see how much I actually get done


Oh and the ultrasound on Tuesday went really well. The doctor said the baby looks really good and the heart is really healthy :)


And I'm................

I love being pregnant. There is nothing more exciting than feeling the baby kick. I grow more and more fond of him everyday....

Tomorrow we find out if it really is a boy or if it's a little girl. I can't wait!!

 So I've created a new journal. I don't have time to set things up at the moment because we are just staying with Jeremy's parents. My computer is being a bitch and will not be back for a week or so, so this will have to do until then.

I've started this because I need to vent. I need to vent without my friends and family seeing it on myspace. i don't even want Jeremy to read it. Nope, this is for me. I need a journal so I can express the feelings I feel everyday, but don't say. So here we go....

I don't mind being pregnant. To tell you the truth, I actually love it! I didn't think that it would be possible for me to harbor a child in my belly. I didn't think I could stop partying long enough for a baby to even live inside of me. This baby has changed a lot, but I still miss the old days. I miss coming up to Dorset all the time and just getting completely wasted with Jeremy and his friends. I miss not having bills and being carefree. I miss the way we used to be all over eachother all the fucking time. I even miss puking after an awesome night of partying.... It's just so sad to me that all this has to change. I'm not ready to grow up yet! Yes, I'm 23 and that's plenty old enough to start taking responibility...but I still don't want to.

The hardest part about being pregnant is watching people party around me. I've done it for so long it's a part of my life now... And I had to give it up so we can have a healthy child. I really thought that Jeremy would be a little more supportive with this...but he's not. He parties with his friends right in front of me and then wonders why I get pissy. Well gee I wonder why!?! It's not fun for me to sit and watch them all get drunk and act like fucking idiots. No thanks... I'll stay home and rest. It really does annoy me. He can't spend one fucking evening with me without having a drink. It's so sad... I just want him to grow up so badly and I feel that it's wrong of me to want him to grow up, when I would still be doing the same thing if I could... But since I was forced to stop, he should be too?? Its not fair to him, but it's also not enjoyable for me.

I just have to keep thinking about this little one. I really want him/her to have a good life. I want them to grow up with the father I didn't have. I really hope that when the baby is here he grows up a little. Right now he's at a shitty ass job and we can barely pay the bills... Hopefully that will change though. I told him he needed to get his act together and get a real job so his family can at least have some insurance.  In May I graduate and the baby will be here in July, so shortly after I'll be able to start working fulltime finally. 

I really do hope that we make it through this. I love Jeremy with my heart and soul. I couldn't imagine my life without him...but I want my man to be supportive and to take care of me. And more than that, I want him to WANT that too, not have to tell him what needs to be done....If that makes any sense...

Oh well. I guess I'm off to lay in bed and wait for him to come home from partying with his friends.....